By Amy Walker

Our beloved dog, Bella, has died. Death is never easy, and as hard as losing Bella has been, having our daughters be part of the loss made it even harder. I am not one to shy away from emotion or difficult conversations, as those who know me can undeniably attest, but I found myself dreading, dread-ing navigating this part of life with my girls. Most everything in me wanted to shield them from it all: the pain, the questions, the tears.

By God’s grace, my husband and I were able to reach down deep into the reserves one mysteriously finds in certain moments of parenting and discover strength and courage. We held our daughters’ hands tight as we waded into the sadness of watching our dog die and the grief that came with her death. My husband and I took on questions about what heaven is like, why death exists and if we will ever see Bella again.

Now let me tell you, there were no easy answers, not for me anyway. The questions themselves caused me pain and uneasiness; many of them were the very reason I wanted to avoid this whole death business in the first place. But how will my children learn about hope if I, a parent, do not take the time or have the courage to enter into these hard conversations?

If I do not speak now into the finality and mystery of dying, how will they ever learn about a Savior who has conquered this seemingly unconquerable thing called death and even (can it be so?) taken away its sting? I don’t have all the answers, but I can listen, and I can talk about mystery and hope.

I can be gently honest with my daughters about questions of my own and reassure them that God is so much bigger than even a mommy’s doubts and fears. I can tell them that I do, even in the face of death, believe. And there it is: an open-handed moment where they can begin to truly learn about faith. A moment they can begin to see in our lives that Jesus really is the answer to all things. Not just Sunday school things, but everything, even life and death.

Somewhere in all the heaviness something unexpected and merciful happened. Instead of our conversations being about death, we began to talk more and more about life. We talked about the gift of life, the preciousness of it, the wonder and adventure of being alive (alive!) here in this moment.

A few days after Bella died our family gathered to celebrate her life. We shared a delicious dinner with special glasses full of sparkling cider, and we made a toast to our loyal, good dog. We shared our favorite memories of her, how much we’ll miss her and the gift of being loved and cherished.

This, then, is what our family has learned: Love and life are worth celebrating. There are times when courage we do not think we have is required. There are moments when all you can do is be held (or hold) and weep. And, there will be terrible losses when only the name of Jesus will provide any kind of hope or comfort. I have also learned that sometimes the best a fumbling parent can do is to raise a glass of sparkling cider and toast something precious, messy and beautiful. Here’s to life.

Amy Walker and her family attend Trailhead Church, a USMB congregation in Centennial, Colo. Thanks to Amy for the photo of Belle included with this essay.

By Katie Funk Wiebe

This fall my extended family celebrated two weddings and three babies. Such events are heart-warming. They tell me that the next generation is willing to try again where my generation may possibly have missed the mark. Each wedding, each baby, is a symbol of hope that something good is going to happen.

These kindergartners at marriage and family begin with tons more information than I and my generation had when we started out. We had little more than a bed, a stove, a few dishes and some odds and ends of knowledge aboutwhat it took to make a marriage work. We thought love alone would be enough. Sometimes it was; sometimes it wasn’t.

I agree with Kathleen Norris in Acedia and Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer’s Life that commitment always costs. “There is a particular burden in loving another person…. This is the love demanded of any husband, wife, or parent.”

It is easy to fall in love, in fact to stay in love, when someone else does the cooking and cleaning after a night of dining andyou only have to clean up after yourself. As Norris writes, it is hard to tolerate, much less love, the person who shares kitchen, bath and bed. And maybe hogs more than half when, as in my case, when your spouse is a good foot taller and the bed a good foot shorter than today.

I don’t think marriages are made in heaven. They’re chiseled out here on earth, day after day, meal by meal, baby by baby, laundry hamper by laundry hamper.

There will be days when you are taken to the depths of despair and wonder why you ever agreed to this strange arrangement. But also moments when you wish you could do this forever and forever. As Norris writes, “As love takes us on a harrowing journey, even to hell and back, we may find the path arduous but remain convinced that it is the only one worth taking.”

A young person in the heady moments of passion doesn’t reckon on the fact that married life will become a series of repetitive activities with occasional high moments. What I remember most about my 15-year marriage are not the times of great physical intimacy but the tender moments together at the end of the day drinking a cup of tea and sharing what life had been.

Norris cites a study that embracing one’s spouse at the beginning and end of each day produces good and stable marriages. Even a little peck on the cheek was enough. That small action was the only one that made a consistent difference.I agree that is important. My husband always kissed me before he left for the day. We also found that praying together each eveninghelped. It is hard to pray when you are angry. Prayer then becomes a sham.

Two weddings, three babies. I rejoice with each couple. These are important new beginnings. Go for it.
Former Christian Leader columnist Katie Funk Wiebe, of Wichita, Kan., is the author of a dozen books and numerous articles and is still on a limited speaking circuit in her 80s. This essay is from her blog, Second Thoughts (http://kfwiebe.blogspot.com), which is about life as an octogenarian and is reprinted with permission.

By Meg Cox

Sometimes when I lecture, I take along my family’s Christmas stockings to illustrate how family traditions have changed in one generation. When I grew up, we had four red felt stockings made by my mother, one for each of four children.

At my house, there is only one kid, but six stockings hang above the fireplace. These stockings are for my husband, our son, my stepdaughter, her husband, my husband’s ex-wife and myself.

Welcome to Christmas in the 21st century. There may be a radical difference in what constitutes a family today, but I think it is remarkable how much is unchanged.

I loved my childhood stocking ritual and I follow it exactly. On Christmas Eve, while my son is asleep, I fill his stocking and leave it propped against his bedroom door. He’s allowed to wake up early and open the contents in bed.

How well I remember the joy of finding that bulging red stocking outside my door and dumping the treats all over my bed! Even though the stocking always included an orange in the toe and a box of thank-you notes, there were also candies and surprises. It was like having a little private celebration before the loud family celebration downstairs next to the tree.

Not only do I follow my mom’s ritual, when I went to make my family’s stockings I literally traced around hers and cut the same size and shape. Our names were written in gold cording above the tree and so are the names of my family members.

My one tiny improvement: In my childhood, all our stockings were decorated the same with a green felt tree in the center decorated with sequins and surrounded by white felt stars. I decided to make each stocking slightly different by putting different “presents” under the tree. I hunted for cute themed buttons, specific to each person, that represent their passions. My son Max’s stocking has an airplane button and a tiny bear sewed under the tree.

My son is now 17 and though his stocking is usually found resting outside his bedroom door on Christmas morning, what happens to the rest of the stockings changes from time to time. If everyone comes to our house for the holiday, all the other stockings will have at least one small gift bulging inside on Christmas morn. But if we celebrate at my stepdaughter’s or her mother’s house, we bring just Max’s with us and leave the rest as holiday décor, hanging over our fireplace at home.

I think people get stressed out about big holidays partly because they think they’re required to create elaborate traditions that are completely original. Wrong! Feel free to turn any traditions you see, read or hear about into your own with the smallest of twists, just as I kept my mother’s tradition and tweaked the actual stockings only slightly.

Journalist and former Wall Street Journal staff writer Meg Cox specializes in family and quilting. Her web site focuses on both of these topics that Cox describes as “wildly misunderstood.” A new and much-expanded edition of Cox’s The Book of New Family Traditions was published in May 2012.

by Duane Ruth-Heffelbower

What will happen to our child after we’re gone? This question plagues nearly every parent with an adult child who has a significant disability that prevents him or her from being financially self-supporting and/or living independently without supports.

For such situations, life planning is particularly important. Life planning means putting plans in place to provide for your dependents, including your adult child with a long-term disabling condition. As the parent of a dependent adult, it is natural that you are concerned about your child’s long-term well-being and future financial and emotional security.

Planning for the future of your dependent adult will involve interacting with the legal system to write a will, create a trust and to create a guardianship or nominate a conservator. Planning will also entail setting up informal friend and advocacy relationships through your family, friends and congregation.

Because unique considerations are involved, it is especially important to include anyone who is likely to carry a long-term responsibility for the person with the disability. Think creatively about who might welcome the invitation to be a long-term friend and support of your family member.

Life planning does well to include the following people:

The dependent person. Though it may not be appropriate in every situation, it is generally best to include the dependent person to the extent he or she is able to be involved. If the dependent person has a guardian or conservator, that person will need to be included as well.

Siblings. Estate and life planning should be a family process. This helps facilitate the open expression of opinions and feelings about future expectations. Sibling participation in planning also helps avoid surprises for the brothers and sisters concerning plans for their dependent sibling after the death of their parents. Thoughtful and sensitive planning by parents will not only discourage disputes after their death, but in many cases, it might become a final and enduring expression of their love. In spite of—and perhaps because of—our reluctance to talk about death, life planning is an important activity for the whole family.

Extended family. Sometimes the emotional or geographical closeness of extended family members (uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.) makes it important to include them in the life planning process. In some cases, they may carry specific roles in the future as they help to maintain and care for the dependent family member.

Friends. In our increasingly mobile society, many rely on friends for roles that family played in earlier generations. Consider who among your circle of friends and acquaintances has taken a special interest in your dependent family member. Recognize that the invitation to be a long-term friend and support to your family member is an opportunity for connection that will benefit both parties in the friendship.

Your church. If members of your church play a significant role in the life of your dependent adult, it would be beneficial to include them in the life planning process. The church has a responsibility to ensure that the dependent person has a lifetime of emotional and spiritual support and care. This is part of our mutual accountability as members of the body of Christ.

From After We’re Gone by Duane Ruth-Heffelbower. Copyright © 2011 by MennoMedia, Harrisonburg, VA. Used by permission. Readers looking for additional resources are encouraged to contact Anabaptist Disabilities Network (ADNet).

By Geoff and Lori Taylor

When a couple spends time praying together their connection is stronger. 

I remember how our first date ended. I walked Lori to her door and in that awkward moment before we said goodnight, I held out my hand and asked her if I could pray with her before I left. She was pleasantly surprised and willingly agreed. I thanked God for our date and asked his blessing on each of us.

We were fortunate to have had that defining moment because it was the beginning of our prayer journey together. Since that first date, Lori and I have been praying together regularly. We keep it light and fun. But we’re committed, and it keeps us connected.

Spousal prayer is the key to family life and a fruit of spiritual maturity. But not all couples find it easy to share a moment of prayer. Asking some of our friends about their prayer life as a couple brought saddening results. 

Many godly men can’t seem to find the starting point to engage in prayer at home, be it with their wife or their children. Many women earnestly desire their husbands to pray with them, but mutual prayer isn’t happening.

When the husband initiates regular prayer with his wife and family, he naturally moves into the leadership position in the home. His example sets the spiritual tone. For guys who find it awkward to pray with their wives and children, the best place to start is in their own personal devotions. Ask God for the opportunity and he will show you how to begin.

It is natural for a wife to want her husband to be a copartner in spiritual matters. Often, however, the wife’s expectation is different than that of her husband. If a wife begins to pressure her husband or becomes critical, she can unknowingly create a spiritual power struggle that is difficult for the couple to overcome. We’ve found that men who feel supported are more likely to embrace their leadership role.

1. Try to connect for a few minutes each morning before departing or in the evening before bed (or both) to pray for your spouse, children and the events of the day.
2. Let your prayer time be regular, meaningful and succinct. A good habit is hard to break.
3. Join together in prayer with your children, both young and old. What an example you will set.
4. Husbands should take the lead to initiate prayer at meals or other appropriate times throughout the day.
5. Wives, follow your husband’s initiative without criticizing his approach or his technique.
6. Husbands, let your wife know she is important and joining together with her in prayer is a value to you.
7. Men tend to be fact-based while women are more emotional. Taking a few minutes to discuss the details of your prayer concerns before you begin praying can prevent “informative” prayers.
8. Once you’re comfortable with daily prayer, consider praying over a common list of concerns. This might be weekly or at a predetermined time based on your lifestyle.
9. Be flexible and patient as you develop a prayer life together.

Finding a comfortable habit may not be easy in its early stages, but it is worth the effort. We encourage you to start today. That awkward moment at the beginning is well worth it!

Geoff and Lori Taylor have been praying together for over 13 years, most of them in Bakersfield, Calif., where they currently live. They have four adult children and one new son-in-law, whom they enjoy praying for and with whenever the opportunity presents itself.

By Jon C. Wiebe

Preparing a will is more than a legal process. It should involve prayerful consideration of our resources and the care of our minor children.

I hesitate to even admit that this is an article about the need for a will. Knowing that, many of you may be tempted to quit reading right now. Please hang in there with me.

Two things I want you to know right off the top:

1. Having a will is a spiritual process before it is a legal process. 
2. Every adult should have a will, and so much more so if you have children.

I will address these two concerns in more depth, but first, a few facts:

• Seventy percent of Americans do not have a written will or estate plan.
• In many families, there is resentment, hurt and wounded relationships that can last for years because of confusion or choices made by family members near, at or after someone's death because of unclear wishes, records or instructions.
• We will all die!

So, let’s talk about these two concerns. Most of us think writing our will or trust is just a legal process. But when you consider that God is the owner of all and we are just his stewards, our perspective should change. We should recognize that the purpose of our will is to transfer stewardship of all the things God has entrusted to us. So, it’s not only important to have a legal will. It’s also important to have a will that is prayerfully designed from a scriptural perspective.

Through a written will, we have the opportunity and responsibility to transfer the stewardship of resources (money, assets, etc.) and responsibilities (business, children, etc.) to others that will, hopefully, continue to manage and use those resources in a God-honoring way. This is a weighty responsibility, and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly, whatever your age. The Bible has much to say on this topic. Don’t move too quickly to the counsel of an attorney, without first seeking the wisdom of God.

Secondly, every adult needs a will or an estate plan. The need isn’t based on your asset size or financial situation. Rather, it is founded on the fact that God’s word instructs us to be wise stewards and planning for death is a necessary part of stewardship. For parents with minor children, choosing the right guardians is the most important decision you’ll make as you develop an effective estate plan and transfer stewardship responsibilities. After all, your children are the greatest treasure over which God has given you stewardship.

Quickly, here are three key factors for consideration when choosing guardians: First, and most important, is to choose Christian guardians. You need to be sure that your children continue to be brought up in his Word and in his ways, so that prayerfully they will end up in heaven with you.

Secondly, you might want to choose a Christian couple that lives nearby. This is usually not a critical factor if your children are under age 10 or if you haven’t lived in your community for a long time. However, if your children are in their teens and you’ve been in your community for a long time, it might be a good idea to keep them in the same community.

Lastly, consider choosing guardians who are also in the "raising children" mode of life.

Take the time to prepare a will. Prayerfully seek God’s direction, and let your will for transferring stewardship be known.

Jon C. Wiebe is president and chief executive officer of MB Foundation.

By J.L. Martin

You have probably heard it said: “Youth are the church of tomorrow.” I disagree. I believe that children and youth are the church today. When we make statements like the one above, we give our young people an “out” from what God has called each of us to do. We offer middle school and high school students opportunities to serve and to go on mission trips. What about our children? Do we think they are too young to serve?

One of my most rewarding ministry times is when our children are given the opportunity to serve others. This happens at Hesston MB Church (HMBC) in several ways. Probably the most common is our monthly service projects for 5th and 6th grade students. As I prayed and studied this age group, I realized that this group is at a great stage of development. They are moldable, are seeking who they are and are discerning their gifts. So I decided to give them a wide range of service projects, giving them the chance to give back in practical ways.

Service projects for 5th graders and older:
· Raking leaves for the elderly.
· Delivering Valentines and playing games with residents at the nursing home.
· Cleaning and completing various projects at a homeless shelter.
· Preparing boxes for Operation Christmas Child and school kits for Mennonite Central Committee.
· Work projects around the church.

Wondering if this was chaotic? We have a large group, but they were so engaged and excited when they had the opportunity to serve that it went smoothly. We have received many cards and emails from the people we served that talk about the maturity of this group and the hope they have in the future. You might expect our midweek attendance to decrease because of the service projects, but it has remained consistent.

What about service projects for younger children? I have a four-year-old daughter. Can she serve too? Absolutely! I have been blessed by how God has used families to serve at HMBC. Each quarter, I plan at least one family service project. These are geared to children of all ages and their parents or grandparents. You have to be a little more creative with the younger children, but they also have done some great service projects.

Service projects for 4th grade and younger:
· MCC kits.
· Clean up at local schools.
· Cards and caroling at a nursing home.
· Taking the offering or serving in other ways during worship services.
· Church workdays.
· City work projects; we painted playground equipment and cleaned up local parks.
· Scavenger hunts collecting food for local food banks.

I challenge families and church leaders to look for opportunities for children to serve at a young age. We expose our kids to sports and academics at younger and younger ages. What would happen if we developed a heart of service at a younger age too? I think we would see our churches, communities and world dramatically impacted for the better. 

Let’s help our children experience and understand Colossians 3:23-24: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”

J.L. Martin is pastor of children and family at Hesston (Kan.) MB Church.

by Gavin Linderman

I graduated from high school early so that I could pursue my fledgling dream of touring in a band, crisscrossing the United States without parental guidance. I was broke most of the time, went without food often, made some bad choices and got caught up in a crowd that wasn’t exactly a positive influence. Yet this “conditioning” time prepared me for ministry. It was through my mistakes that I discovered who I was in Christ, not just who someone else wanted me to be.

Why did my parents let me do it? Because their top priority was trusting me to the hands of Jesus, just the way I was, even when that meant letting me fall. Mom and Dad were not hung up on personal likes or style, even when mine seemed a bit unorthodox. My parents believed that personal preference falls far behind the heart.

Working in ministry with young adults and their families, I am finding that what I experienced isn’t the norm. While my parents and I had a connection in spite of our differences, in many families there is a real relational gap. This gap is wrapped in confusion, anger, hurt, distrust and perhaps parental zeal.

Many parents ask me to please connect with their son or daughter for them. It usually sounds like this: “Gavin, our son/daughter is lost and we can’t get through to them. We just don’t understand each other. Can you please connect with him/her?” It breaks my heart to see the brokenness and sadness of a mom and a dad trying to reclaim what to them is lost.

So what do we do? For starters, we stop trying to just relate to one another and instead celebrate our differences as parents and kids. That means being relentless in combating the expectations of our kids to conform and to eagerly seize opportunities to transform. To help us get started here’s a few ideas that my church family has taught me.

1. Be each other’s biggest fans. We have to teach our kids to cheer us on just as we cheer them on.

2. Stop seeing the next generation as “next,” and see them as “now.” Like it or not, our teens and young adults are the ones influencing the world today. It’s not only our privilege but also our responsibility to invest in their lives.

3. Oneness is not sameness. Many people think that being unified as a family means being the same, but it doesn’t. You don’t treat your spouse the same way you treat your children. So celebrate the differences and refrain from expecting your kids to do the same things you did at their age.

4. Relating does not mean just tolerating. If you have the urge to dress like your kids or talk like they do in order to relate with them—fight it. You will relate best just the way you are. Instead, try to appreciate. There is a wonderful freedom that comes when we let go of the impulse to “get” it.

5. Finally, hear this from your child: “Stop trying to find the you in me and see the He in me.” If Jesus is their Lord, let him be.

I know, because I live it, that parents and young people can work together and can do great things. When this happens, parents’ connections with their kids become joy-filled and liberating as they watch God at work.

Gavin Linderman and his wife, Kendall, will be planting a new Mennonite Brethren church in the greater Phoenix area. Linderman is currently an intern with Copper Hills Church in Peoria, Ariz., working with young adults and couples.

By Tim Neufeld

A teenager is at a particularly vulnerable stage of life to go through the divorce of parents. Perhaps you have witnessed a teenager going through the divorce process and have wondered, “What can I do?” First, recognize the various situational issues that adolescents face in the divorce process. Second, pursue those tasks that will help the teen.

Situational Issues
Gender: In general, boys tend to externalize the experience while girls internalize. Boys are more likely to act out by fighting, yelling, etc. It’s important to understand that even though a teen, especially a female, does not show signs of trauma externally, the pain of the family breakup is still very real.

Parental conflict: Pay attention to the level of overt conflict in the family. When parents openly quarrel the stress will be greater on the children. The larger the amount of conflict in the home, the more internal conflict the teen will feel.

New family structures: More than half of adolescents will spend time in a single-parent family. This creates a unique set of problems: lack of role models, inconsistent discipline, lack of parental involvement at school and reduced finances. Watch for teens that are struggling with these secondary problems.

Behaviors: Research reveals that adolescents going through divorce are more likely to face a series of behavioral issues: sexual activity increases, school performance declines, illegal substances are abused and family interaction deteriorates. Look carefully for these serious signs in teens whose parents are divorcing.

Emotions: Divorce can have many emotional side effects in adolescents: anxiety and depression, low self-esteem, a long process of grieving, varied ways of coping and negative views of marriage. Caring adults should watch for the emotional well-being of teens from homes of divorce.

Tasks
There are many helpful things that pastors, youth leaders and mentors can do to help a teen going through this difficult transition.

1. Develop a caring and trusting relationship with the teen. Advice and expertise are not needed, just a warm spirit and a listening ear. Pledge to stand with and pray for the teen.

2. Encourage the adolescent to talk, grieve and cope in appropriate ways. Always watch for the more destructive issues mentioned above. Help the teen know that divorce is a long process, and it will take time to heal.

3. Help a teen understand and rely on the heavenly Father. Adolescents might have trouble understanding the image of a good father; thus, this might be one of the most beneficial metaphors caregivers can provide.

4. Try to develop a relationship with the divorcing parents. It’s helpful to know the whole family not just the teen. This will give the caregiver a better view of the situation. Always be aware of what is happening at home.

5. Help stabilize the family environment by encouraging daily rhythms. Eating together at the same time, attending church on a regular basis and creating a routine schedule for bedtime, homework and chores are some options.

6. Reduce conflict in the home by helping family members communicate better. Help parents talk respectfully about one another to reduce the amount of fighting. Encourage parents not to play games by using children to deliver messages or take sides.

Teens caught in the wake of a divorce will have good and bad days. Caregivers will have to repeatedly stand with and pray for these students. Consistency, stability and a supporting relationship based on Christ are the best ways that any pastor, youth leader, teacher or mentor can help an adolescent through the long and traumatic process of divorce.

Tim Neufeld, associate professor of contemporary Christian ministries at Fresno Pacific University, wrote his masters thesis on “Pastoral Care of Adolescents from Divorced Homes” and has worked with teens for 25 years as youth pastor, educator and conference speaker. He can be reached at tim.neufeld@fresno.edu.

by Melodie Davis

With overscheduled kids involved in extracurricular activities three to five evenings a week, parents working a three to 11 shift or until 7:00 or 8:00 p.m., who has time for a 50s-style family dinner with Dad carving roast beef? It isn’t going to happen.

And yet children, families, churches and the whole community—even the larger society—benefit from frequent family dinners. The Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse of Columbia University, N.Y., has frequently studied the importance of meals as a nurturing environment for children. A 2009 study found that compared to teens who have frequent family dinners (five or more times per week), those who have infrequent family dinners (fewer than three per week) are twice as likely to use tobacco or marijuana and twice as likely to expect to try drugs in the future. Other studies show that kids living in homes with frequent shared mealtimes get better grades.

What are children getting when they sit down to a meal, besides the meat and potatoes—or salad and stir-fry? On a good day, children get attention that leads to parents and kids who are more involved with each other’s lives. Children learn to have conversation. They may get laughter and precious family bonding time. Usually they get better nutrition.

Dinner may also be the only time the family gathers to pray. Somehow that simple daily act—especially if you’ve been arguing or grouchy right before—forces families to change gears and perhaps find peace amid squabbles.

How can you make it work? Whether Mom, Dad or the kids cook, here’s a half dozen starter tips:

• Start with something manageable. Can’t manage dinner six or seven nights a week? Aim for three or four—and don’t think you’ve failed if that doesn’t always work.Be flexible in timing and menu. Moms I’ve talked to since writing Whatever Happened to Dinner say they aim for anytime between 4:30 and 7:30 p.m. according to what is going on that day for each family member. Regarding menu, sometimes an evening meal can be pancakes or even cereal. If you have to eat on the run, pack a quick picnic sometimes rather than buying fast food. Eat at Mom or Dad’s office or in a park close to the ball fields.
• Planning is half the job. Virginia found that involving her children in meal planning, allowing them to each have a meal when they can choose what’s for supper, helps keep her organized. The kids, ages seven and 10, love having a say.Make it fun. Steve and Leann have “Supper Surprise Night” when they draw slips of paper from a box with various ideas for “mixing it up”—eating on a blanket on the family room floor, eating without utensils, having dessert first, playing restaurant, etc.
• Focus on the conversational menu, too. Don’t bring up bad grades, finances or other mood wreckers. Let each family member tell the best thing about the day. One Sunday morning the youth at our church were leading worship focusing on the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc. (Gal. 5:22). In one skit, the youth gave one-line definitions of love. Andrew said, “Love is my mom making dinner.” I can’t think of a better way to summarize what family meals can mean.

Melodie Davis has written the syndicated newspaper column “Another Way” since 1987 and is the author of 11 books on family living, including Whatever Happened to Dinner? Recipes and Reflections for Family Mealtime, published in 2010 by Herald Press. Davis lives in Harrisonburg, Va., with her husband; the couple has three adult daughters.

By Amy Walker

There are moments in my journey of motherhood when I wonder if I am cut out for it. Of course, there are times when I am frustrated, weary and I want nothing more than to lie down and sleep for a couple hundred hours. I somehow get through this.

But what I am afraid I am not cut out for are the moments your heart holds so much love and loss you can hardly bear it. The times in which the weight of motherhood feels so beautiful and painful you can barely breathe. And one of those is the day that calls for letting your child go, when all you want to do is hold onto them a moment longer.

A year ago I was doing the seemingly impossible: walking my daughter to kindergarten. Somehow we had made it from baby to toddler to here. It was a long walk that sunny day as I held her hand and she bounced alongside me. As we rounded the corner to the classroom, I pressed her small body tightly to me, silently offering prayers of thanks and desperation, as I readied myself to let her go and watch her walk away.

I could feel the ache in my heart, as I was aware this was one of those "letting go" times of parenthood. A major one. The ties, which kept us bound so tightly together, were again loosening and stretching. Stretching to make room for a teacher, friends and a life away from home and apart from me. I know it is a good choice for us, but something in me just wants to protect her from everything, keep her close and somehow stop her from growing up so fast.

Somewhere along the way I realized I have a daily choice to make. I can hang on to my children with all my might, fists clenched as I grip onto them out of fear and love and need. Or I can painfully, slowly open my hands and let them go, let them learn; let them live life…in all its joy and sorrow. The hardest thing to choose, of course, is to let go because this means you are no longer in control (which you really weren’t in the first place). It means you have faith that God is good and trustworthy. And for me, I have to wrestle with what “good and trustworthy” may look like and dig deep into the heart of the Father. It means you trust God will not only carry them but you as well, especially on those days when the weight of motherhood feels so heavy.

As I released the death grip I had on my daughter and watched her walk into kindergarten, I thought, “It begins.” We are now out of the gloriously difficult and wonderful time of toddlerdom and into something entirely different. Evidently, after elementary school comes junior high, high school and then possibly something like college. I have heard it rumored these years pass in a blink of an eye. And so it begins.

Time will not slow down, and before I know it my daughter will be leaving our home—her home—ready to start a life away from us, away from me. And I realize whether you are walking your child to kindergarten or college, this act of surrender is painfully similar: You hold them tight, whispering prayers in love and loss, and then you open your hands and let go.

Amy Walker attends Trailhead Church, a Mennonite Brethren church plant in Centennial, Colo.

By Brad Burkholder

I was introduced to the world of pornography in sixth grade. Walking home from school, my friend asked me to come to his house to look at some magazines he found in his dad’s closet. Some would say it was boys being boys. Curious. Ignorant.

Porn wasn’t a “problem” for me until my mid-20s when suddenly it was free and anonymously available on my computer. I knew I needed help to fight the lie Satan repeated over and over to me: “You can’t tell anyone about your addiction to porn! You’re a pastor’s kid. You’re a missionary. They’ll never forgive you.” Ignoring that lie, I finally talked to my wife. That was one of the best choices I have ever made.

Porn and you
It’s difficult to lead your family toward purity when you have your own struggles. Premarital sex. Fantasies. An affair. Masturbation. Homosexuality. Lust. Pedophilia. Porn. We all have our intimacy issues. They have different consequences, but God calls them all sin. To the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11), Jesus offers love and compassion, not condemnation. He leaves her with, “Go. From now on sin no more.”

We all need someone to talk and pray with about purity. If you don’t have that someone yet to hold you accountable, start asking God for someone. An anonymous place to begin is the Christian Web site www.xxxchurch.org.

Porn and the family
I have amazing parents. At a young age my dad talked to me about the “birds and the bees.” But that’s where the conversation ended. Here are some ideas to keep the conversation going:

Early and often: As appropriate, take the opportunities life provides to talk about the uniqueness God intended and made in boys and girls. Jim Burns has written an amazing book, The Purity Code, which should be a requirement for all parents with children of any age. Check out Jim’s ministries: www.homeward.com.

Purity vs. abstinence: Decide what you and your family are going to define as “purity.” This will take you way beyond simply porn and cause your family to consider movies, music, magazines, etc. Teach purity, not just abstinence.

Location, location, location: Have your computer in an open area where anyone can walk up behind the user. Have a computer curfew. Install a SafeEyes program. Don’t forget that smart phones have taken porn to a whole new location.

Porn and the church
We’ve taught abstinence and shame at the price of purity. Sex isn’t bad. God made sex. Sex is good. When it comes to sexuality and intimacy, there are three areas where I think the church could do a better job of communicating God’s design:

1. Transparency. As church leaders we need to talk honestly about lust, sex and intimacy. Follow Jesus’ example (Matt. 5:27-30).
2. Small groups. There are some great resources from guys like Chip Ingram and John Eldridge that deal with marriage, intimacy and lust. Start a group. Join a group.
3. Seminars. Parents need to be equipped and encouraged to teach their children about sex, porn and intimacy. I’ve now held two seminars on the subject. Parents loved being able to talk openly about how to connect with their kids.

My prayer is that God will use my past sin and current struggles to encourage us all to talk about purity, intimacy and our dirty little secrets.

Brad Burkholder has been youth pastor at Hesston (Kan.) MB Church since 2002. Prior to that, Burkholder and his wife, Sally, were missionaries for eight years with Avant Ministries at Echo Ranch Bible Camp in Juneau, Alaska. The Burkholders have been married for 20 years and have two teenage children. Burkholder can be reached at brad@hesstonmb.org

by Charles Buller

If you are at least 50 years old, you know what it is like to try to remember a small detail, recall someone’s name or search for a misplaced cell phone. You might even poke fun at yourself and call it a “senior moment.” What is not funny is that dementia and memory-related diseases like Alzheimer’s are increasing at a rapid rate in our culture.

The debate about whether we simply diagnose these problems better than we used too does not dilute the fact that 2.5 to 5 million Americans struggle with Alzheimer-related symptoms. Memory related illnesses will only increase as the Baby Boomer generation ages—there are simply more of them. Alzheimer’s, for example, typically strikes after the age of 60.

In my role at Palm Village Retirement Community I have a good deal of contact with families who are attempting to cope with and respond to memory-related illnesses. I conducted an unofficial poll and asked them to offer their advice to church and family members who will face similar uncertainties.

• Love unconditionally; it is “their” disease you are sharing.
• Don’t be afraid to repeat questions and conversations.
• Allow people to become someone different than you’ve known. Don’t assign moral judgments to changes in personality. Some memory-related illnesses lead to a complete personality change.
• Enjoy moments and times of clarity and thinking when they occur.Anticipate some “pushback.” This is an uncertain time for all involved.
• Refuse to isolate yourself as a caregiver. Join a support group if you need help. There are many available.
• Start early to make plans for transitions. Involve children and siblings in the process. Don’t just push it off on the closest sibling, be that emotional or geographical. This requires a “village.”
• Recognize that savings are for spending when it comes to senior health care. This is not the time to begin an estate plan that shifts assets for the heirs but puts at risk the quality of care for the sick.
• If someone you love shows signs of dementia, it is never too early to seek professional counsel, be that legal, medical, spiritual or in retirement living.
• If you are 50-years plus and enjoy good health, begin now to do estate planning, will preparation and settle the question of long-term health care—or not—before it becomes necessary.
• Accept the new normal. Our society as a whole will be in an aging process that will not reverse itself for another 30 years. Churches should plan and staff accordingly.If you are a young person with an interest in health care, consider a calling into some form of geriatric health care. Aging is one of life’s certainties. None of us is entirely who we used to be and will certainly be effected by the aging process regardless of our health. Memory capacity actually begins to decrease in our 30s.

While loss of mental dexterity does not diminish in the same way for everyone and can be guarded with simple mental exercises (Search “keep your memory sharp” at Mayoclinic.com) the fact is, aging will change us all. As a “youth culture” gets older, how will we adapt? Denial is a favorite habit of most humans. In aging it is an enemy, not an ally.

Charles Buller is vice president of advancement for Palm Village Retirement Community in Reedley, Calif.

Six ways to celebrate Epiphany

Epiphany, celebrated Jan. 6, is a special holiday that concludes the Christmas season of honoring God’s gift of love to mankind. Epiphany commemorates the arrival of the wise men to pay homage to Christ Jesus, as recorded in Matthew’s account of the birth of Jesus.

The word epiphany means manifestation; this holiday reminds us that God showed himself to us in the form of his son Jesus. Because the magi were not Jewish, the occasion also commemorates God’s love and salvation for all people, Jews as well as Gentiles.

The period between Christmas and Epiphany has been called the original 12 days of Christmas. In some cultures, Christians wait until Epiphany to give gifts, imitating the gifts the wise men gave to the Christ Child. If you’d like to extend your family’s Christmas celebration to include Epiphany, here are some ideas for doing so.

• Save one Christmas present for each family member to open on Epiphany. These gifts represent the gifts that the Magi gave to Jesus when they found him. Choose one family member to dress up as one of the wise men to distribute the gifts. Let other family members help the wise man don royal attire—a bathrobe or bath towel cape and a crown made of construction paper.

• Start the tradition of giving spiritual gifts on Epiphany. Make cards or slips of paper with one Christian virtue such as love, patience, faithfulness or kindness written on each. Without being able to see what is on the cards, each family member draws a spiritual gift to nurture and work on during the coming year.

• As part of the day’s festivities, make a special cake with a surprise such as a dried bean or nut baked inside. You can also use a small trinket that can withstand baking but does not present a choking hazard. The family member who finds the surprise is king for the rest of the day. In addition to any extra privileges you may choose, give the king the honor of offering a special prayer of blessing for the whole family.

• Host an Epiphany party. As part of your celebration, play a game in which someone hides a small baby doll somewhere in the house. All of the guests are wise men except for one who plays the role of King Herod. The object of the game is for one of the wise men to find the baby Jesus before Herod does. At the end of the party, ask everyone to go home by another route just as the wise men did to elude King Herod.

• During the evening of Epiphany, spend time together outside gazing at the stars. Ask the children to point out stars they think look like the star the wise men followed. Talk about the excitement and joy the wise men must have felt when the star they were following finally stopped over Jesus’ house.

• If your family uses an Advent wreath with a Christ candle, light the Christ candle during the evening meal on each of the 12 days from Christmas until Epiphany. Let the light of the candle remind you that Jesus is the light of the world and that without him, we would be in darkness.

Taken from Celebrate Simply © 2006 by Nancy Twigg. Published by Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, Mich. Used by permission of the publisher.All rights reserved.

By Jon C. Wiebe

Many parents struggle with what kind of allowance to provide their children. While I believe there are very few “rights and wrongs” in this area, there are some best practices that can help parents set their children on a course for God-honoring money management.

1. Start the allowance when the child is ready to learn. The best time to start giving them an allowance is when your child is ready to begin to learn the stewardship principles you want to teach them.

2. Provide the allowance on a timely basis. When children are young, they probably need to receive a smaller allowance on a more frequent basis, increasing the allowance gradually year by year. Giving teenagers a larger allowance each month lets them exercise their ability to manage money. We started out giving our children $1 per week and then increased it by 25 cents each year. At age 14, we made a shift to giving them $25 per month.

3. Don’t tie the allowance to work. I think it is helpful for every member of the family to know that even though they don’t contribute to the household income, they still share in the family resources because they are part of the family. Likewise, I think children should grow up knowing that as part of the family, they have chores that contribute to the family’s well-being. But I do encourage parents to hire children to do some jobs around the house. This teaches the children that they are loved and have some responsibility to others, but they also have opportunity to better themselves through hard work.

4. Teach your children how to use their allowance according to biblical principles. Give them three jars labeled Giving, Spending and Saving and help them divide their allowance into these jars. We started out by saying they had to put at least 10 percent in the Giving jar, no more than 25 percent in Spending and the remainder in the Saving jar. The Spending money could be used to buy whatever they wanted (can of pop, candy at the checkout line, etc.). The Saving money was to buy bigger ticket items like a Lego set and required parental approval. Notice that they could Give more than 10 percent, but we limited how much they could put in Spending. The value of delayed gratification and the dangers of impulse buying is something that we need to help our children get a handle on at an early age.

5. Be flexible and tailor your allowance system to match the child’s personality. Don’t worry about whether or not your system is “fair” between children. More important than perceptions of fairness is whether or not the child is growing in taking responsibility and applying stewardship principles. Early on, I found myself telling my youngest son that he only had to Give 10 percent. He always wanted to give considerably more, and I felt bad that it didn’t leave him much for Saving. When I realized how I was stifling his generosity, I made an about-face and have tried to encourage him in this “grace of giving.” On the flip side, our oldest son has a tendency to save more, and we’ve had to find ways to help him learn to live more “open-handedly.”

Jon C. Wiebe is president and CEO of MB Foundation, the U.S. Conference stewardship ministry. He and his family are members of Parkview MB Church of Hillsboro, Kan.